Are secrets better left kept or shared? Obviously it wouldn't be a secret anymore if they were shared. How long does one keep a secret before it makes them want to burst? If I share this secret... shall I protect the names of the innocent?
I lost my innocence when I was 14. He was 17. I was pretty sure I loved him. I was pretty sure he loved me. So it began and ended almost as quickly. I was definitely emotionally entangled.
My parents found out about it and we moved. They ended contact. I had no idea how to find him. He wasn't living at home. My parents intercepted our attempts to reach one another.
I attempted to move on with my life. I looked here and there but finally decided it was time to continue on. I eventually got married, divorced and then married again. I love my husband. I love the man that he can be. I am frustrated with the choices he makes, but I love him. Do I love him enough? Does he love me in return? I couldn't tell you. He says he loves me. That is all he says. He never talks to me.
A couple weeks ago this old flame came into my life. It has been upside down ever since. AM I CRAZY? I have wondered on a number of occasions. Only live with the disappointment of seeking the knowledge of a professional and then told I am normal. Why can't my drama be more important than the other princesses?
I think about him all the time. I think about how we were... laying in his arms, talking about our future we were dreaming of having. It all was so perfect until I moved. Then reality hits me again. I am married. I have children, a different life than that.
I find it amazing that he has been pining for me. 20+ years and he still wants me. His life fell short of what he wanted because he only wanted me. I only wanted him for a while, but I moved on. I had to for my own sanity.
Oh yes, sanity... am I insane for having a part of me that wants to be wanted like that all the time? Would it stay the same? Would things be so different?
Then reality. I love who I am with now. We have been through a lot of shit. No he isn't perfect, yet either am I. (I am after all thinking about my very first boyfriend.) Why would I ever consider leaving? He takes care of us. I know he loves us. Yet I know that he doesn't want me like this first boyfriend does. He doesn't say anything to me much other than work or small talk. There is no dreambuilding. There is nothing serious unless it is a fight. But I love him....
Do I tell the secret of meeting my first flame? He knows we talk. I was pretty upfront about all that. Do I pull up my big girl panties and just tell him exactly how I feel? I don't want to lost him. I don't want to be stuck without being appreciated or even wanted for that matter. If he cared he would talk to me right?
I am not sure..
To tell the secrets of how much I love another man from so long ago? Is that madness or is the madness that I would think of possibly committing relationship suicide?
